I don’t know, man. I don’t want to study for finals right now, so I guess I’ll try to calm the moral angst that plagues my crippling soul. Merry Christmas!!!!
To humanity
I’m sorry for unintentionally making normal everyday situations more uncomfortable and awkward than they need to be
To Jesus Christ
I’m sorry about that time that I joked that you had a blue demon tramp stamp, which is the reason that DePaul students call themselves Blue Demons. Sorry if that made you upset, because it was like, marginally inappropriate. However, if the tramp stamp in question does exist, I would be more than happy to see it.
To my cousin Raj
Sorry about not responding to your belated birthday text. I meant to say thank you, but then I saw that your text had a comma splice. You should know that I’m only okay with grammatical errors when they’re deliberately used to convey a certain rhetorical effect. But happy belated birthday to you too!!!
To all my female cousins over the age of 25
I’m sorry that you’re all basically thirty and I sympathize with that a lot but like can I have all of your clothes now since you’re probably too fat for them at this point in your adult lives
To the Mexican people
I’M SORRY I TELL PEOPLE I’M HALF-MEXICAN WHEN I’M ACTUALLY NOT
To the white childhood I never had
I’m sorry I missed out on the quintessential white kid experience. I think I would’ve been pretty cool as a white kid. Unfortunately, my family was too immigrant to go to Disneyworld, have a trampoline, get ballet lessons, etc. but HEY AT LEAST I GOT TO DO MATH PROBLEMS FOR FUN!!
To my cousin that goes to U of I that I haven’t talked to since I was eight
I definitely planned on asking you to get lunch and catch up at some point but then I never did because I feel like it would be kinda awkward which is kinda sad because we had some good times as children but ANYWAY hope you’re doing well in life don’t do drugs bye
To this one guy in sixth grade
I’m sorry about that time you asked me for a dollar and I reciprocated by taking the gum out of my mouth and sticking in your hair. I thought it would come off as being sexy, but I GUESS NOT
To that baby I dropped off a stage
Lol. I’m actually not even that sorry. It’s a great story to tell people.
To any pet I’ve had, like ever
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I’m sorry to my dead parakeets, Susan and Christopher, for giving you such shitty names. I’m also sorry for not being particularly upset when you guys died on the same day, because TBH y’all were boring as fuck.
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To my dear childhood guinea pig, Chocomelon: again, sorry about giving you a stupid name.
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I apologize to Jester, the cat I had for two weeks, for coercing you to cuddle with me on multiple occasions. I’m also sorry that I started to just call you “Cat” after a certain point.
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Barry, I know you weren’t a legit pet, but I’m sorry you died instantaneously after flying into my coffee. I bet you were a good fruit fly. I bet you lived a good life, kiddo.
(but tbh it was kinda stupid of you to dive into a mug of hot liquid)
To you, the reader
SORRY I SCREAMED THROUGH A LOT OF THIS
To myself
I mean…
love, Rima Parikh